It occurred to me while sitting in my local holding court after a particularly heavy drinking and karaoke session that while us humans (or those of us that pass for human) have all sorts of sexual kinks we can partake in animals don't have such luck. The whole thing started off while discussing the logical merits of using a hamster for sex with humans. After covering the need for large amounts of duct tape and not being bothered by eyes coming loose and bobbing about like apples in a water barrel, things sort of descended from there. The requirement being that you obviously are going to have to somewhat ’encourage’ the hamster’s arse to be a little larger to fit even the most meager of penises.Obviously there’s going to be a tiny wee bit of blood, but that's just a lubricant really..saves on KY jelly anyway. It is also imperative we worked out to duct tape your hamster like a tube leaving both head and arse duct tape free. It was also suggested by one of the German contingent that maybe it would be good to not tape the hamster too tightly.
I should point out at this point that hamsters and sex with animals large, small invertebrate or vertebrate doesn't really ‘float my titanic’. But it seemed that no one had ever thought through the implications of sex with tiny furry animals at the end of a heavy drinking session complete with a death metal karaoke version of Copacabana, that….well maybe it’d be useful to one of the great unwashed of the internet. we did consider making a instructional video, but figured if we did that in The Turf we’d probably get either barred or be raised to godhood. It simply wasn't worth the risk either way.
Then our thoughts turned to turtles. Well I say ‘we’ I really mean mine… I was on a roll of pervertedness god damn it! There was no reason to stop at the nearly mildly disgusting! I did notice 90% of the tables went very quiet in what I am going to assume was contemplation at this point. If you’re turtle, then besides the fact that you live a massively long time, your sex life has to get a bit boring around the age of 105. So we had to come up with a way to spice up these poor creatures sex lives and in the process maybe help to stave off extinction.
If you're a turtle and your enjoying lots of kinky sex, then you're going to have more of it, meaning more baby wee turtles. Thus helping to perpetuate the species. It only seemed logical at the time. In my defense I had been drinking rather a long time by this point so maybe my judgement was colored somewhat...maybe in a green turtle tinge.
So if we keep in mind that turtle sex has to be rather clumsy and slow due to their heavy shells, they can't exactly participate in many of the more adventurous sexual activities. So I put forward a solution to at the very least enable them to improve the speed a bit. After discounting the initial idea of tying the male turtle to a bit of string and swinging it back and forth due to inaccuracies of impalement (and I’m guessing Mrs Turtle would not like a surprise anal visitor), I came up with a far more exciting bit of turtle love that I am sure Mrs (or Miss) Turtle would love and help to spice up the watery bedroom… hell why not push the boat out Mr Turtle and go full on public sex on a beach mode? Shit that's romantic for a Turtle surely!
No! What we do is we superglue Mr Turtle to the end of a road drill…. this is then set away and aimed CAREFULLY at Mrs or Miss Turtle and Mr Turtle can unleash the little green monster! (Are turtle penises green? I’m assuming so, but I am scared to google it sober.) We could of course bring all sorts of things into play such as novelty glow in the dark condoms, blow up female turtles and even S&M for aquatic sea life. Surely this would be a most amazing use of time and a fun way to help shore up endangered animals? Besides who wouldn't want the title ‘Turtle and Sea Life Sexual Adviser on their C.V?
So all we need to save endangered turtles is a shit load of road drills, a few buckets of superglue and a load of volunteers....