I have in my head a thing I like to call ‘The Man in the Box’. He’s all the parts of me that while useful, I dislike and reject as a part of me. 99.9% of the time he is safely locked away in a box box in my head covered in a huge smile and he is never let out by choice. But sometimes… when the conditions are just right...the box begins to open.
He sees his job to use whatever means he can to protect me and those closest to me from the negative things in life. Its an admirable goal, however as he is prepared to use any means necessary to do it, it's one reason why I keep him safely locked away. But right now in my life, which is once more at a level of epically fucked that is rarely seen with 83p to my name (now 88p as I found a 5p a few minutes ago on the floor outside), when there is no way out, all avenues of escape are locked bolted and barred, when life is at its worst and my mind is at its weakest point trying to keep everything right for my wife and kids…. He starts making efforts to escape the box.
Its because at those times (and only at those times) that he knows I am too weak to fight for too long. That scares me, and I scrabble and run to try anything to make things improve in case ‘The Bastard in the Box’ gets out. But that only tires me out further, and makes his job even easier.
So I hope against all common sense I can keep him locked away, just a short while longer, things must improve. If only by accident.
