I used to have a serious gambling addiction. I suppose I should really say ‘I have a gambling addiction’, as addictions don’t just go away with the wave of a magic wand. My thing was fruit machines, the insane amounts of money I threw into those things boggles my mind.
So today was quite hard for me, as my 10 year old daughter wanted to go to the Namco arcade at the Metrocentre with myself, my wife and her mother (my ex). Just the thought of being near a place full of fruit machines made me edgy. But you see, the thing is since I stopped gambling many years ago I have purposely avoided being in rooms full of fruit machines. Seeing one or two in a pub or bar isn't a problem 90% of the time. My logic was if I didn’t go near them then I was less likely to give into temptation.
That has worked for me for many years now. The truth of reasoning behind it is I didn't trust myself to be around that many machines. The only exception to this was when I was in Vegas for 2 weeks at the end of 2013, and that was because the only place you could smoke was on the casino floor. I was proud of making it through 2 weeks in vegas and not slipping back into my old ways once. In fact I am still proud of it.
Today I was a mess, although to be fair this was noticeable only to me and possibly my wife and my ex. By the time I came out about an hour or so later I was physically trembling with the effort it had taken. Crazy as it sounds within a minute or two of walking in there I could ‘feel’ every damn fruit machine’s location in the place. I could feel the draw of the flashing lights and the noise of the reels.
I realised by avoiding places like that, I had given the addiction a certain power. It was like it was only biding its time quietly whispering “ Oh don’t get too cocky Robson! I’m patient and one day you're going to lapse.” It’s a battle I will forever have to try to win. So each day I wake up and say ‘today I won’t gamble’, because if I take it one day at a time then it makes it easier to manage.
I rarely get the temptation these days. But I did on Friday night while out, I know this will sound a bit weird to some of you but bare with me here. I had about £11 in my back pocket in pound coins for some reason (the way the change from the rounds had worked out). Now in my head pound coins do not count as ‘proper’ money. So there I was standing next to a fruit machine…. That’s when I was only seconds away from slipping a coin in. I caught myself in time of course.
So I know that will probably never leave me. I also know if I lapse, then I will not only end up flat broke nda in debit in no time, more importantly so will every single person I know that I could lend money from. The lies would start, borrowing money from one to pay off another while managing to pocket some to feed my habit. Yeah I’ve done all that in the past. Addiction is very powerful
I remember a study done on the human brain many years ago that stuck with me. That if you die a natural death, the last part of your brain to go out is the addiction centres of your brain. That scares the crap out of me.
I have no idea what makes some people more liable to be addicts of one sort or another. But I damn sure I know the effects on the addict and all around them. I try to help those who are going through what I went through and explain how I managed it. Many have wanted help but the shame of their gambling problem keeps them from asking.
The thing is, I know my daughter will want to go to that arcade again. But next time I will prepare myself in advance, because not going means the addiction has a small victory, and I cannot allow that. I can’t allow that any more than I can allow it to win by refusing to take my daughter there again.
